Script by Benjamin Hutchison

Characters:

RINGO
NORM
MOSS
TONY

Lights rise on a stage with four chairs arranged as a car.

Stage right enter NORM and RINGO, wearing ski-masks and handguns tucked into their pants, carrying, with a red bag over head and zip-ties tying his arms, MOSS.

Norm and Ringo toss Moss in the back seat.

Norm and Ringo get in the front seats.

Ringo starts the car and begins driving.

Norm lifts his mask over his face, breathes in.

RINGO: Where’d the guy say to drop this bastard?

NORM: He said to leave him down round back of the tip’. So I think behind The Silver Tip.

RINGO: All the way in L.A.?

NORM: That’s the only Silver Tip I know.

Moss gasps for air in the backseat.

NORM (Alarmed): Aw geez, you remember to cut air holes in the bag?

RINGO (Alarmed): The bag’s not that tight, I didn’t think it’d need air holes.

Norm removes a knife from his boot.

RINGO: If you cut them now you might cut him.

NORM: We’ve already kidnapped him. It wouldn’t be too much to cut his cheek.

RINGO: If you hit something important, like an eye or something, he might bleed out.

NORM: Then what do you suppose we do?

RINGO: Let’s just take off the bag.

NORM: Then we’ve gotta cover our faces the entire time.

RINGO: Dead guy’s a bigger problem than you being uncomfortable.

NORM: For a five-day drive?

RINGO: Five days for the rest of your life? Pretty good exchange.

Moss begins to pass out.

NORM: Fine.

Norm puts down his mask and takes the bag off Moss’s head.

Moss coughs until he starts breathing normally.

MOSS (Hoarsely): Thanks.

NORM: Hey, shut up!

Norm hits Moss in the head with the butt of his gun.

RINGO: You don’t gotta treat him so harshly. We already kidnapped the guy.

NORM: Let’s just get on with it. Play some music or something. Something good. Five days good.

RINGO: My radio doesn’t work, someone hit it with a knife.

Norm grunts angrily and rests his head in his hand.

NORM: Wake me if the bastard needs something.

Lights down.

Lights rise, Ringo now in the passenger’s seat reading a book, Norm in the driver’s seat driving, Moss sitting upright.

MOSS: Hey, could I get something to read back here?

RINGO: Only book and I’m reading it.

NORM: You don’t get carsick reading in the back?

MOSS: No, I don’t really get motion sickness anywhere.

Norm grumbles angrily to himself.

MOSS: Could you at least read aloud, so we can get some of it?

RINGO: Sure.

Ringo clears his throat.

RINGO (Reading from book): Sally wept as her lover walked out into the rain, into his car and down the driveway. She didn’t know if she was crying over her man leaving or at the thought of being alone again. She picked herself up off the floor and walked to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of wine and sat on the floor. As she sipped–

NORM: Alright, that’s enough now. It’s hard enough driving at night.

MOSS: Any chance we could get some food?

NORM: Hey, shut up. You’re still our captive and you don’t get food.

MOSS: I haven’t eaten in three days. Please.

RINGO: Hey, the man hasn’t eaten in three days. One meal ain’t gonna make him escape.

NORM: What about the drive through? You think they won’t notice the guy zip-tied in our backseat?

RINGO: I’ll go in. You two can wait out here.

Norm thinks.

NORM: Fine, I’m hungry anyways.

Norm takes a left and turns off the car.

Ringo gets out and exits stage left, removing ski mask.

Norm sits, rolls up the bottom of his mask and rests it on his nose. Rolls down window, takes out a cigarette, puts in mouth and lights.

MOSS: What cigarettes you smoke?

NORM: What’s it to you?

MOSS: I used to smoke cigarettes. Quit to focus on my swimming career. I smoked Larks.

NORM: Well, that’s a woman’s cigarette, so good on the swimming career.

MOSS: They’re not a woman’s cigarette, they’re a good cigarette.

NORM: Well, if they’re so good, why’d you quit?

MOSS: Well, all cigarettes are bad cigarettes, but the best of the bad, to me, is Larks.

NORM: Look, I’m not in the kidnapping business to make pals, so shut up.

MOSS: Is this like a good cop, bad cop thing?

NORM: There are no good cops. All of them are clowns in silly costumes defrauding Americans of their God-given right to do whatever they want.

MOSS: I mean, he’s nice, you’re a jerk–

Norm takes his gun and points it at Moss’s face.

NORM: How about now? Am I a jerk now? With this gun in your face?

MOSS (Cautiously): Yeah, kind of.

Ringo enters stage left carrying three wrapped burgers, gestures with his full hands to Norm to open door.

Norm reluctantly puts down his gun and leans over to open the passenger side door.

Ringo enters.

RINGO: Dinnertime folks.

Norm tosses his cigarette from his mouth out the window, rolls up window.

Ringo passes out the burgers, then rolls his mask up over his nose.

RINGO: Say, prisoner, you able to handle that with the zip-ties?

NORM: You touch those zip ties and I’ll shoot his hand.

Beat.

RINGO: I’m not gonna take off the zip-ties, but the hand isn’t a very threatening place to shoot somebody.

NORM: Whaddaya mean? Think about it. The hand’s gone, you can’t do much of anything. You can’t write letters, you can’t–

MOSS: Well, what if I’m left-handed? I can still write letters.

NORM: I was gonna shoot you in the left hand.

MOSS: But I’m right-handed, I can still write letters.

NORM: I’d shoot you in your dominant hand.

Norm aggressively unwraps his burger and takes a bite. 

RINGO: So, Mr. Prisoner, so that I don’t have to keep saying Mr. Prisoner, what’s your name?

NORM: Don’t ask that crap, we don’t wanna know his name.

RINGO: I do.

MOSS: It’s Moss.

NORM (Humoured): Moss! What a stupid name!

RINGO: It is! Now, obviously we can’t tell you ours, in case you escape, but thank you for telling us yours, Moss.

MOSS: I’m just gonna call you Ringo, after the Beatle.

RINGO: I’m fine with that.

NORM: Your parents must’ve been another kind of hippie, I swear, to name you Moss. That’s some hippie crap if I’ve ever heard it.

MOSS: They were hippies, that’s exactly right.

Moss, Norm and Ringo laugh.

Norm quiets down and his face becomes upset. He turns back to Moss.

NORM: I want you to quit tryna be friends with us, ‘cus if you think I’m gonna give up fifteen-thousand dollars cash for a friend I met three days ago, you really were raised by nonsense hippies!

Norm returns to looking forward.

NORM: Get all the wrappers in one spot. I don’t wanna be living in trash.

Lights down.

Lights rise on same chair set up, Ringo and Moss asleep. On stage left stands TONY, holding an umbrella and a briefcase.

Norm stops the car, puts it in park.

NORM: Wake up. We’re here.

Ringo and Moss wake.

NORM: I’ll get his head back in the bag. You go meet the man.

Ringo checks his gun and then steps out of the car.

MOSS (A little sad): Oh, man, man, I don’t wanna die.

NORM: Uh…too bad.

MOSS (More sad): I never got to go skydiving. And I always wanted to.

NORM: Look, you could’ve gone skydiving any day of your life and you didn’t. All the stuff you didn’t do, you didn’t do.

MOSS (More sad): Never became a superstar swimmer. Never released my single. Never got married.

Moss begins to cry. Norm holds up the red bag.

NORM: . . . If it makes you calm down, I could tell you my name. You’re gonna die in a few moments, I don’t see no harm in it.

MOSS: Who cares?

NORM: I guess you’re right.

Norm looks down at the bag. Pulls knife from boot.

MOSS: What are you doing?

Norm stabs the bag two times.

NORM: Just cutting some air-holes.

Norm puts the knife back.

NORM: Anyway, uh, sorry for kidnapping you.

Norm puts the bag over Moss’s head, steps out of his car door, and as he walks to the backseat door, he checks his gun. He opens the back door and pulls out Moss. He walks him to Tony and Ringo, pushes him to his knees.

MOSS (Under bag): Please don’t kill me, please, pretty please, oh!

TONY(Mocking): ‘Oh, pretty please, don’t kill me.’(Calm, but angry) Shut up. You think you can steal from me, and it goes away like with Windex? Do you have a brain in there? Is it just a little empty skull with little mice nested in there, eating little cheese cubes?

Tony mimes a mouse eating a tiny cube of cheese. Tony turns to Ringo, hands him the briefcase.

There’s your money. It’s all there, you have my word on that. Can I borrow your firearm?

Ringo takes the briefcase and hands his gun to Tony.

Tony points the gun at Moss’s face and pulls the trigger. BANG! Moss falls to the floor.

Tony passes the gun back to Ringo.

TONY: Thanks, fellas, have a good night.

Tony exits stage left.

Ringo and Norm pick up the body, walk to the backseat, open the door, and shove the body in. Ringo closes the back door and walks to the passenger seat, getting in as Norm gets in the driver’s seat. They both remove their masks.

NORM: Another five days back. Keep an eye out for a body shop, we’re fixing that damn radio.

RINGO: What’s wrong, you don’t like the sound of my voice?

NORM: No. I don’t. It’s worse than a hundred cats in a woodchipper.

Lights down.

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