By Kalan Morris-Poolman

I woke and was completely engulfed in sweat. I guess I wasn’t used to the hot climate in Israel yet, and to make matters worse, I had left my window open the previous night, believing that it would cool the room. It had the inverse effect. It was the day of my bar mitzvah. I had been preparing for this day for months, having lessons every Saturday to ensure that I would perform when today came, but it felt as if all this work I had put in would amount to nothing in the face of actually having to do it in front of people. I sat up on my bed, and my chest began to ache. This heavy sinking feeling was all too familiar. I remember my Grade 7 speech and my Grade 8 speech. The idea of public speaking haunted me. I took three deep breaths and headed to the shower to clean off all the sweat I had accumulated throughout the night. The cool water on my skin felt nice, but this aching feeling I had refused to subside. After my shower, I headed to the kitchen of the Airbnb that we had rented. The rest of my morning went by in a flash. I remember eating eggs and toast for breakfast, watching TV, and getting ready for the event. After getting dressed, I headed to the second floor of the Airbnb, where everyone was waiting for me. My dad, mum, sister, Uncle Gavin, and mother’s cousin, Michael were all watching me. Their eyes only made this feeling in my chest worse. We headed out onto the balcony as my mum wanted lots of photos of me and everyone to commemorate this “special” day, as my mum put it. To me, this day felt like anything but special. After taking hundreds of photos, it was time to head out.

Since we were unfamiliar with the region, we had hired a man to drive us to the Western Wall, where the ceremony was to be held. On top of being certified to oversee bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs, this man was also a tour guide that we had hired to show us around Jerusalem for the day. As we got into his Range Rover, he said that we had some time before our reservation at the Western Wall, so he decided to take us to a lesser-known tourist spot nearby. On the way, he told us about the history and culture of what we passed by in the car. I didn’t catch a word of it as all I could hear was the beating of my heart progressively getting faster as the time of my bar mitzvah approached. When we arrived at the tourist spot, all I could focus on was how the ache in my chest had begun to expand slowly outwards to the rest of my body.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the van, and we were off to the Western Wall. I was thankful that my parents had brought me to Israel for my bar mitzvah and gave me this opportunity. I was especially appreciative of not having to recite my prayers in front of a large group of family and friends, but I was naive to think that I wouldn’t be doing it in front of people at such a famous religious sight such as the Western Wall. My sister tapped me on the shoulder and said that we had arrived. We were now outside of the entrance to the Western Wall. Although it was just the entrance, I was intimidated by what stood before me and dreaded what was in store for me inside.

We headed to the security check and suddenly, we were stopped. The men at the gate said that my mother and sister were required to cover their arms before entering. My mum and sister were wearing dresses that didn’t cover their arms because the weather was so hot. Fortunately, the people at the gate provided them with a temporary covering that they would have to return before exiting. At last, we were inside. It was finally hitting me that this was going to happen. Sure, I felt this uncomfortable sensation in my chest from the moment I woke up, but now that I was actually there, I began to tremble. We slowly made our way to the front of the Wall, where a sea of people laid, all of which looked super religious. This was way more people than I had expected or even could have imagined. I couldn’t move. Although I really hadn’t been paying attention to what the tour guide had been saying in the car, I could hear his voice in my head saying that if I were to make a mistake and someone were to hear, they would call me out and make me restart. Suddenly, I was pulled to the left and was led away from the crowd. Isn’t this where I’m supposed to do it? Why are we going somewhere? These thoughts began to flood my brain, but then my Mum said the best thing that she could have. “We rented a private space over there,” she said. I turned to where she pointed, and there was absolutely no one over there. It was even separated from the rest of the wall and had a little tent protecting those under it from the blazing hot sun.

I stepped onto the platform where the Torah was located and started my reading. My heart felt like it was about to burst. My legs shook as if there was an earthquake beneath me. My mind began to race. I gazed at the page before me, trying to follow the words that were coming out of my mouth. Is this where I am? No, I’m there. Am I even saying what I am supposed to be? I began to fill with doubt, and at this point, I had utterly lost where I was on the page. I was entirely relying on memory. I was now about halfway through, and nothing had gone wrong yet. But all of a sudden, the tour guide repeated something that I had just said slightly differently, implying that I had done it wrong. He told me to restart from that point. I froze. Since I wasn’t sure where I was on the page, I wasn’t sure where to start from what I had memorized. Well, it’s over now. But then the tour guide pointed to the line where I was supposed to restart. I began to read from there and knew that I wasn’t going to mess it up this time. As the last word from the reading escaped my lips, my entire body suddenly felt weightless. It was finally over.

Looking back now, I realize that the feeling I had in my chest that day wasn’t from the fact that I was performing in front of people; it was from the idea of disappointing my family. But after messing up my reading, in the end, my family was still very proud of me. This was when I learned that even if you struggle or stumble on your way to achieving something you want, it is alright as long as you persevere and see it through to the end.